I'm telling y'all...

This whole cancer thing is one son of a gun! It is so much more than just removing malignant cells from your body, healing, and going back to normal. While my body seems to heal rather well (set apart the swelling. Still nervous / annoyed / frustrated about that!!!), my mind is very unpredictable. I try hard to go through my emotions rather than surpressing them, feeling what is going on to go through the process of...well whatever it is. Coping I guess. But it is taking a toll on me. I have felt pretty blue since Sunday night or so. Since my progress has slowed down so much, my positive outlook on my way back to health as well as life in general, has too. I still try taking every day at a time, not thinking too far ahead but then my impatience takes over, I just wanna scream and throw a fit and yell 'WHAT THE FUCK! I AM TIRED OF THIS SHIT! I WANT MY LIFE BACK!' And I wheep and cry and moan and throw myself a pity party and pretty much everything on the downside of this emotional rollercoaster. It sucks so much to have cancer, and frankly, no, if you have never had it you have no idea whatsoever what it is like. I am soooooooo tired of it. I want the wound to scar nicely, my neck to feel normal, my body to feel and be healthy and the same for my troubled mind. I am in the process of finding myself a therapist because I feel I need to see someone who I can load everything upon without having to sugarcoat anything, without considering anyone's feelings. I hope I will be able to see someone who is good at whatever needs to be done so I can feel more positive and hopeful again. I am not writing this to entertain or even inform anyone, it is more like a real diary entry to myself because I still feel it helps to write it down. I will not put on a brave and happy face if that is not how I feel. Right now I am frustrated, annoyed, scared, impatient and bored, that is the truth. I hope I will feel better again very soon. And, just for the record, I do not think it is so much a thyroid hormone level induced thing, I think it is real frustration. Because I can't do what I want to do and it is oh so very boring to be home alone all day. I don't want to have cancer, I don't want to deal with all this, I just do not. According to that grief thing for thyroid cancer I read, this is probably stage 4 out of 7 leading to acceptance and a normal life again. The stage is: anger/depression. Great, just the one more thing on my list of things I really need. NOT! But hey, Michael Jackson died. Now that's a real problem for the "fans" out there. I probably just need to get a grip!? *rollingeyeslaughinghysterically
Greetings from UnderTheWeather,
Julia