I'm telling y'all...

This whole cancer thing is one son of a gun! It is so much more than just removing malignant cells from your body, healing, and going back to normal. While my body seems to heal rather well (set apart the swelling. Still nervous / annoyed / frustrated about that!!!), my mind is very unpredictable. I try hard to go through my emotions rather than surpressing them, feeling what is going on to go through the process of...well whatever it is. Coping I guess. But it is taking a toll on me. I have felt pretty blue since Sunday night or so. Since my progress has slowed down so much, my positive outlook on my way back to health as well as life in general, has too. I still try taking every day at a time, not thinking too far ahead but then my impatience takes over, I just wanna scream and throw a fit and yell 'WHAT THE FUCK! I AM TIRED OF THIS SHIT! I WANT MY LIFE BACK!' And I wheep and cry and moan and throw myself a pity party and pretty much everything on the downside of this emotional rollercoaster. It sucks so much to have cancer, and frankly, no, if you have never had it you have no idea whatsoever what it is like. I am soooooooo tired of it. I want the wound to scar nicely, my neck to feel normal, my body to feel and be healthy and the same for my troubled mind. I am in the process of finding myself a therapist because I feel I need to see someone who I can load everything upon without having to sugarcoat anything, without considering anyone's feelings. I hope I will be able to see someone who is good at whatever needs to be done so I can feel more positive and hopeful again. I am not writing this to entertain or even inform anyone, it is more like a real diary entry to myself because I still feel it helps to write it down. I will not put on a brave and happy face if that is not how I feel. Right now I am frustrated, annoyed, scared, impatient and bored, that is the truth. I hope I will feel better again very soon. And, just for the record, I do not think it is so much a thyroid hormone level induced thing, I think it is real frustration. Because I can't do what I want to do and it is oh so very boring to be home alone all day. I don't want to have cancer, I don't want to deal with all this, I just do not. According to that grief thing for thyroid cancer I read, this is probably stage 4 out of 7 leading to acceptance and a normal life again. The stage is: anger/depression. Great, just the one more thing on my list of things I really need. NOT! But hey, Michael Jackson died. Now that's a real problem for the "fans" out there. I probably just need to get a grip!? *rollingeyeslaughinghysterically
Greetings from UnderTheWeather,
Julia

Update

Not in the best of moods today, so I will keep this short. The incision is healing fine, at least that's the last thing my doctor said. However, I think I noticed some additional swelling ABOVE the incision right under my chin this morning. I'll have Jim look at it when he gets home and then decide if I'll go see a doctor about it. If it is an infection, I will throw up in anger. I am pretty tired of my "impairment" right now. I am almost back to normal, I walk normally, I can turn my head almost all the way, I can cook and clean and go shopping for a couple of hours which is a huge improvement. It's just that constant pulling and tightness in my neck that is getting on my nerves, I'm starting to think I will never feel normal again...
Here is a picture of my neck, taken 2 days ago. The incision line is about 16 cm long:

Letter to my grandfather

Dear Opa,

I wish I could still hold your big hands like I used to when I was a little girl. When just your hand reaching out for mine meant that there was no problem in the world I would have to face alone. There are so many things I wish I could have told you when you were still only a short walk or a 2-hour-train-ride away. I miss your deadpan humor and your big bear hugs. I miss your old-man-smell and the comfort and warmth I felt when you opened up the door for me, no matter when or why I came to see you.
My dearest childhood memories incorporate spending my days with you in the backyard of your house, rummaging around in the yard and me, playing and helping.
I remember our errands downtown in the morning when you had that old beat up leather bag you had used to carry home the eggs when you were young. When we were there early enough for only very few people to be around, you would act all silly with me and do the funniest hop, kicking your feet sideways and sometimes even sing.
You taught me that it is important to show other people respect and to think before I talk (I am still working on that one!) and that it doesn't matter what other people think of me.
I will never forget our trip to Austria in your brandnew car. I got travelsick and your comment, before pulling over quickly, was "Don't you throw up in my new car!" And when we stayed with you while my mom and Oma were gone, you reheated food Oma had prepared. You served us dry and sticky spaghetti with sauce that burnt when reheating. To this day I love dry spaghetti with that burnt sauce! When I fell and whimpered, I heard a harsh "Do you want to get your leg amputated???" (no!) "then shut up!!!" when you put on the disinfecting spray on my wound. And when noone was looking, you gave me candy or some money and were sure to urge me not to tell anyone. Understanding your ways even more now than back then, I know how much you loved us.
I remember your inability of saying the words "I love you" but showing it in your own way even more. I so truly miss you and to this day still don't want to believe that you are not around anymore. I take pride in being your youngest grandchild, being part of your family. In the past few years of your life I said some things that were young and foolish because so was I. I wish we could now share a glass of wine together and laugh at those times. Even though there are many things that only now I start to understand, I wish you were still here.
You probably wouldn't have approved of me marrying an American man and moving here but I would've known that deep down all that mattered to you would've been that I was happy. And you'd probably worry sick about me these days and not be able to express that either... There are so many things I experience that I wish I could share with you. You were the finest old man I ever knew. Know that I love and miss you dearly to this day.
Deine Julia

Guess who's back!!!

I've been at home for two days now and I'm lovin' it. Jim is typing this for me since I type at grandma speed (which is my current speed for just about anything), so if you find any typos, don't blame me. ;)

The surgery on Monday went well. It took about four hours. When they rolled me into the surgery room, I had just changed my mind and got ready to hop off the table. When the anesthesiologist asked me how I was doing, I creaked out a "I'm so scared" and boom, out I was for the count. The next thing I remember was waking up and seeing Jim's face over my head.

I remember the days in the hospital as a blur. I guess they drugged me up pretty good. Right after the surgery, I slept a lot and the next day, I was on Morphine feeling just fine. My calcium levels were pretty low so they hooked me up on the IV--I had a bunch of tubes on me, I guess it was a pitiful sight. I started moving around and going for little walks around my unit on Wednesday. My sister flew in on Thursday, so she was there to witness me passing out in the bathroom because I did not tolerate the Magnesium IV very well. Sure enough, the first thing I said after regaining consciousness was, "I wanna Snickers Ice cream bar... or a leberkaessemmel." :D Ever since I have been off those stupid Magnesium infusions, I feel strength and energy slowly coming back to me; however, I'm still pretty stiff, walking around like a zombie in Michael Jackson's Thriller video. But everyday I'm getting better. The pain is less now that the drains are out, and I just need to get my head around everything that has happened. The doctor's say I'm healing very well and Jim is taking very good care of me, so I should be back to normal and as good as new in no-time. Thank you everyone for all of the flowers, cards, e-mails and calls. Feeling so loved helps me a great deal in getting better.

I hope I will hear a lot from y'all in the next few days. With Jim at work, I will need your entertainment. I hope all is well. Love, Julia.

Off to the hospital

Short one: I need to be at the hospital at 5.30 am tomorrow. We are 7 hours behind German time. About 1-2 hours later the surgery will start. I am scared and just hope and pray I will be fine. I finally want to get this over with. I'll have Jim write an update on here as soon as he gets home. Take care and wish me luck.
Love, Julia

Less waiting time wohoo!

Linda and I were sitting outside this morning, enjoying a nice chat after a killer Jillian Michaels workout. The phone rang and shockingly enough it was the MD Anderson scheduling lady. She informed me that they had a cancellation for Monday, June 15 and wanted to know if I would want to bump up my surgery date to June 15. After asking Linda what to do I said GO! Let's change the date. And now I'm booked for Monday already. I am pretty thrilled about this because it simply means 2 days less of waiting. We will be pretty busy at the weekend so I'm hoping time will go by so fast that I won't have time to get supernervous beforehand. And if I do, there's always my "new" best buddy XANAX. Jim was able to take off the entire week and my sister is coming on Thursday, so I should be well taken care off even after the hospital.
My "old" best buddy Linda is about to leave me again. I really wish she could stay longer, we're having so much fun every day and I am getting sad already just thinking about her leaving on Saturday.
I got my new laptop 2 days ago and I'm seriously in love with it. And, my latest purchase (ever heard of retail-therapy? Working wonders for me, that one!!!!!) came in the mail today, gotta show you this one:


I love it! It expresses my feelings so well, and as most of you know, I wear my heart (or should I say pottymouth?) on my sleeve! ;o)
Take good care my beloved friends and family!
Love, Julia

Happy anniversary!

Jim,
thank you for two wonderful years of marriage. I never thought I would meet and marry someone as kind, caring and understanding as you. I am madly in love with you and I always will be. Here is to many, many more years full of love and happiness for us. I would do it all over again. I love you Hase, happy anniversary!!!



Today it's been 2 years that we have been married. And it feels so much longer - but in a good way. We have been through so many ups and downs, I couldn't ask for a better man. Granted he still does and probably always will drive me nuts every once in a while, I've learned to appreciate even that part of our so unique relationship.

Last night I painted messages on Jim's car with red car chalk to surprise him when he'd go to work. Apparently all his colleagues said happy anniversary to him, too! lol And I bought a T-shirt that reads "My husband rocks!" and wore it today. I think he liked it. I thought it was pretty neat. Until he whipped out those stunning diamond ear studs. That man! Full of surprises! I felt a little bad with my lousy car painting and the shirt but he said he loved it. :)
Linda pretty much forced us to go out to eat alone to celebrate so we went to PF Chang's tonight. It was deliiicious! Those chicken lettuce wraps are awesome, I could eat just those there. It's been a lovely first anniversary together and it showed me once again how WELL worth it was to leave Germany to live here with him.

We have been pretty busy doing things with Linda. She had us go to Joel Osteen's church again on Sunday. Apparently, after going there 3 times they consider you a member there, so we are members there now. Not sure what to think of that. I love what he says and how he conveys it. The rest is a little too much. But it was definitely fun to go. Sunday night we met Ron and Jonell at Olive Garden. As always it was really nice to see them. We also went to the zoo, went for long walks in the park (in the TX heat! you can tell how much I love Linda!!!), went downtown and so much more. Every day something new. I just wish time wouldn't go by so fast.

Not only was it our anniversary today, I also received an awesome surprise gift from the world's best mom! MY MAMA!!! Well I have only her, but you know... ;o) She sent me shoes that I told her about, scarves for after the surgery so I don't have to show the wound all the time and 2 Michel aus Lönneberga DVDs. One of my favorite shows when I was little. Thank you so much Mama for this awesome surprise! You rock!!!

Here are some pictures from the past few days.

Ready to go to Lakewood Church:




Mikey's cuddle attack:


Too cool! Taking a picture like my students do:


At the Houston Zoo:


Looking up the Chase Tower:


Pimping the anniversary ride in the middle of the night:


The husband with my artwork:



Me, all happy about my new diamond ear studs. *BLING*

1 month in

Exactly one month ago I got diagnosed with cancer. I can't believe it's only been one month. It feels like at least 6 months that I've been dealing with this. All the doctor visits, appointments, phone conversations, cards in the mail, talks on the phone, internet searches on anything related and so on and so on. This journey definitely is a wild one. But I still feel very confident for things to come. I have read so much about it, there is not much new stuff I find these days. Yesterday I read the book "The purple butterfly" by a thyroid cancer survivor. It's her diary of that time. I ordered some more books about the topic. Now I am reading "Crazy, sexy cancer tips". It's like I am an involuntary member of a secret society, trying to learn all the rules to go by.
Not even 2 weeks until surgery. I am currently looking for some things for after the surgery, such as a nice pill dispenser. Hopefully I can find one online. I also need pillows/cushions, maybe a step to get in our huge bed and some more stuff. Still waiting on the laptop. Hopefully it'll come in time. The current thought in my head is the sound of cutting meat with scissors. I wonder if that's what it will sound like when they pop my neck open like the top of some push-open toothpaste? Nauseating thought, I know.

On a non-cancer note, I am so very happy Linda is here. We enjoy each other so much. There should be a law against separating best friends for that long a time! Yesterday we went for a long walk in the park (and in the Texas heat!). It was really lovely, made me realize that I do wish I had some friends like her here. The husband's company is priceless and yet, I hope I will make some friends soon. Maybe a fellow cancer patient? Oh no, down the cancer road again...

We had dinner at Cici's last night. Do they have those all over the U.S.? Not sure. It was good and we tried to hook Linda up with one of the pizza boys, apparently he felt stalked by us and took off before "we" could ask him out. :D

Today we are planning on going to the Galleria mall. Also, but I still need to ask Linda about that, I'd like her to return my old boss's stuff to her. Hopefully she'll do that. And tonight I'll be teaching my last German class for the Bonzenkinder. I can't believe it's been a year and I must admit I am a little sad. I got attached to them over time. I'm sure their sadness won't show much. ;o)
Love, Julia

Every day is a gift, not a given right!

I have been rather busy now that Linda is here. Well at least so busy that I couldn't nap as much as I felt like. ;o) I will change that tomorrow. My endocrinologist professor said that it is very common that people with my thyroid hormone levels sleep a lot longer than normal every day, up to 16 hours a day. Yeah, it sounds like a lot. And if I could how I'd want, I'd sleep more than that!
The appointments at MD Anderson on Monday went fine. No bad new findings, wohoo! Just a little nuissance: They planned on giving me the radioactive pill on July 21. Ummm I sort of want to catch a flight on the 26th and I told them that. I hope something can be changed, because I really want everything done before Germany. We're still in the process of figuring everything out. I'm sure we'll find a good solution.
Having Linda here is a real joy. It is so nice to have someone here to talk to and hang out with and to do stuff with. I wish it wouldn't have to end. On the other end, I cannot wait for surgery day. In 2 weeks I'll probably be already at the hospital at this time. WUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAA!! The closer it gets, the more nervous I get. But I made it pretty much clear to the anestheseologist that I will haunt him forever if he kills me... ;o)
On an entirely different note, we purchased a new laptop for me. Maybe I'll even get it before the surgery, but if not I definitely will for the flight to Germany. Check out the product demo, I think it's super neat:

http://www.shopping.hp.com/webapp/shopping/store_access.do?template_type=series_detail&category=notebooks&series_name=tx2z_series&aoid=33487&kw=hp+touchscreen+laptop&tafcjnef=fy09&ppc=CCp25703097

Can't wait for it to arrive! I'm still waiting on all my cancer literature from Amazon, they sure are taking their sweet time with that shipment. Odd!

I think Linda is still asleep, so I will be online a bit. And then I'll talk to my Mama, a highlight every week. I'll post pictures of me and Oma Linda soon! :D

Happy late birthday Svenja! I did not forget!!! I hope you had a great birthday!
Love, Julia